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How most people come through hard times, and why being able to change how you respond helps.
After something hard, most people keep functioning well, even if they are upset in the first days or weeks. Others struggle at first and then recover. A smaller group struggles for a long time, or begins to struggle later, and they need help. What helps people come through is less a fixed quality they have or lack, and more being able to notice what a situation asks of them and change how they respond when something stops working.
The common assumption: a hard event leaves lasting damage unless treated.
Explains well: the lasting distress some people do experience, and why they need help.
Leaves out: most people do not follow that path, and coping well can be mistaken for denial.
Some people are simply tough and others are not.
Explains well: why some people seem to cope more easily than others.
Leaves out: the same person copes well one time and not the next, and a trait says little about what anyone can do differently.
George Bonanno: coping well means fitting the response to the moment.
Explains well: why people who read the situation, have several ways to respond and check whether a response is working tend to do better.
Leaves out: the circumstances themselves, such as poverty or harm that is still happening, which also need changing.
Prediction and context: what a person expects, and what the people and places around them offer.
Explains well: why the same event lands differently for different people, and why changing the world around a person can help as much as changing the person.
Leaves out: it is harder to measure directly, and the science is still developing.
Reviewed by Ricardo on 23 October 2026
Galatzer-Levy, Huang and Bonanno (2018), Clinical Psychology Review. Each figure is an average across studies, so they do not add up to 100.
Flexibility has three parts that work together: reading the situation, having a range of ways to respond, and noticing whether a response is working.
Bonanno and Burton (2013), Perspectives on Psychological Science
New York students who were better able both to show and to hide emotion when asked had less distress two years after 11 September 2001.
Bonanno, Papa, Lalande, Westphal and Coifman (2004), Psychological Science
Bonanno describes a flexibility mindset built on three beliefs: optimism about the future, confidence in being able to cope, and seeing a difficulty as a challenge to take on.
Bonanno (2021), The End of Trauma
The four paths, the three parts of flexibility, what to try at home and at school, and the sources. A4, to print or keep on your phone.
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This page explains research. It is not treatment and does not replace a GP, psychologist or other health professional. If you need support, please talk to someone you trust. In the UK, Childline is free on 0800 1111. In Portugal, SNS 24 answers on 808 24 24 24. If you are in danger now, call 999 in the UK or 112 in Portugal.
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